It's the middle of the night. I can't sleep.

Moment

2011-09-24T14:11:00.000-07:00

I am so in love with my life, with my slice of this world. Our home. Planet Earth. I can't help but be overwhelmed with the beauty and the love in my life.

Return

2011-08-30T14:40:00.000-07:00

It's been a week since I returned to my life from California. Something happened down there, I swear it. I'm viewing things through different eyes and something has changed in my core. In the past (even recent past) I had to force myself to focus on the good, to find some beauty in everything. But now I see beauty everywhere I look and in everyone I interact with. The faces I gaze upon are more lovely, the songs I hear are more harmonious, and every smile or laugh around me makes me do the same.
I came home to heartache, news that Paul wasn't who I though he was this whole time. News he had moved forward in his relationships without bothering to tell me at all. I really wasn't that upset by it though. He was a fool in the end and I move on without much loss.
I have an absurd amount to write about right now, and it's not flowing smoothly like I wish it would. I pause for now. More will come later.

Scenery

2011-08-15T12:58:00.000-07:00

Well this is odd, sitting at a computer in a library in Cali at a school I don't go to and a place I've never been before. Usually I'm writing from my desk at home in Washington, all comfy and cozy and in my slice of this world. But today I write from Cal Poly. This is really what I've needed after the last stressful week, even though now thinking about it most of the stress came from the fact that I was leaving for this trip... Still. So much silence from someone you care about so deeply fucking sucks. It'll be odd to see how things are when I get back. If he is legitimately out of my life I'll probably be significantly upset, however I know I'll be fine. I'll find someone else, and I am not doomed to wander the face of this planet alone for all eternity.
I am so glad things aren't weird, being here and all. Andrew and I have talked for over two years now, crazy as that is to think about, and I think that's what makes it so easy. We seriously interact exactly like we do on Skype or on the phone, only there is nothing in between us. I can tell it catches him off guard too, and I know being around me for real is weird for him. Sometimes when he looks at me I can tell he is freaking out. Especially when I smile. He freaks out. I was mildly concerned coming down that it would be odd, or uncomfortable, or just downright strange actually physically being around each other, but it's not. Thank goodness for that.

That's all folks.

Sort Of

2011-08-13T15:01:00.000-07:00

Baby you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart
And baby you've got the sort of face to start this old heart
But your eyes are warning me this early morning
That my love's too big for you my love

Baby you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Baby you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Tell me what to do to take away the you?

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no.
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

- Ingrid Michaelson

As it should

2011-08-09T18:28:00.000-07:00

Faith

2011-08-09T17:18:00.000-07:00

In the last three days, I have thought about blogging many times. I considered topics, ways to approach them, posting pictures, and I have sat down and started to type only to hit Ctrl+A and delete it all. Once it was because I didn't know how to say what I wanted to say... Many times because I simply couldn't figure out what I wanted to say at all. A time or two because I didn't want to say it where someone else might see it, and just once because it felt so foolish to write the words in the first place that publishing them online felt like it bordered on insanity. But a few thoughts have lingered now, trickled down into this entry I suppose.
Sometimes it feels like I must be following a circular path in my life, because the same things happen most every time. Take, for example, my relationship situation. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, we don't fight, and when we're together just hanging the two of us it's great. However, my evil little mind has decided to set me on edge and make me paranoid and unsure. Up until now I have had no problem just having faith in him and in whatever it is we have going on, but now I am so concerned about what's going on in his mind. He's been off his usual pace the last two weeks because of stress I'd safely say, and it's effecting everything. I know that much is true. But my paranoia is set on high nonetheless. What I'm trying to do now is get back into the state of mind I was in a month ago, when I was blissfully happy and carefree when it came to him. I do believe it is working too. Whether it works or not though, I'm not the only person in this equation and I suppose I should just relax and stay positive and have faith in him. He hasn't done me wrong yet.

Spark

2011-08-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

Before we all burn, there are a few things I'd like to say.

Cody: I have very few words left for you. In letters I've written to you, some sent and some still sitting in my high school notebook, I have tried to understand what exactly the relationship with us is. That talk scares you away. All I have to say anymore is that I will never hate you, you will always be my one that got away and my elementary sweet-heart. I hope life treats you well.

Travis: You're such a fool. I fell for you hard, and I don't regret a thing about that if only because I have learned. I learned that I should never be settling for someone who doesn't spark something within me. When we came to our crashing end, I experienced many emotions deeply and it opened my eyes and helped me choose who I would become for the future. You broke me in such a way that I was able to pick everything up and mosaic myself into a beautiful, confident, loving being. However you walked out of our relationship the same way you walked into it. You're full of false confidence and though you act like you have everything together in your life and behave as though nothing ever gets you down or stresses you out, I know it's a facade. You are a scared little boy inside, looking for approval no one in your life will be able to provide you with. When our paths cross in the future I hope that seeing me crushes you.

Sean: Damn is your sense of timing off boy. About two years behind on that one in fact. I liked you so much, wanted to give it a shot with you, and you for some reason didn't want to. Not only did you politely decline, you then started talking mad shit about me to all of our friends, telling them I was desperately obsessed with you and how I was saving my virginity for you and all these loads of endless, rootless bullshit. And I'm not really friends with any of those people anymore, no help from you and the drama you stirred up. Last night, however, it seems you decided to take matters into your own hands. You worked up the courage and you texted me like a real man, asking if I was alright with you asking me an awkward question. Like I would really decline... And then I had to tell you I am otherwise occupied and not available for pathetic relationship attempts. Have you seriously just recently been thinking about the way you treated me? How you were so two-faced? Have you just recently been realizing that you pretty brutally told me no, but I'm really not bad. Never have been dear. But now that I'm a few pounds down, more radiant in the way I live my life, and more confident I catch your eye and linger on your mind? Good. I'm glad.

Exhausting

2011-08-05T20:56:00.000-07:00

Moments like this it's exhausting. Moments like this I get annoyed and crushed, and just simply hurt.
Blows right?

Up to speed

2011-08-04T20:28:00.000-07:00

I've been very all over the place recently, but in a very positive way I think. I'm having a blast with my life, with my friends. I know I'm not making much progress right now... But I'm not freaking out about it. I'm actually pretty sure I'm truly deeply okay with it.
The family has been good. I've been hanging out with Clay a lot, and dad being able to go out to auctions and sell on EBay has helped raise spirits. I'm not working for the next few weeks, but I'll be job hunting actively once I'm back from California in September.
I'm really happy with my relationship situation. That's all there is to say about that.
My friends are amazing and I know they are what keeps me from losing my mind sometimes. Hanging with them is usually the best part of my day.
Other than that, I've been coloring, doing sudoku, listening to crazy amounts of music, writing, meditating, and biking. I love being able to jump on Clay's bike and go for a ride out on a loop in the neighborhoods whenever I want to. It feels so good to be active like that, and I hope for that to become a regular thing for me.
I keep thinking of new tattoo ideas... Things I'd like to get maybe someday somewhere. My Grandmother would kill me if she knew the number of tattoo's I'm currently desiring. It makes me giggle a little bit.
That is all for now. There is a high chance I'll post again later.

Value

2011-07-20T16:06:00.000-07:00

Today has been a very good day. I don't know why, I don't what what changed, I can't put my finger on the moment it started happening, but I am changing for the better. It's been happening for a while, that much is clear, I'm not at the beginning of this path anymore.
Honestly, I'm just done trying to be anything other than what I am. I am a beautiful, young, vivacious, social being. I am overflowing with love, passionate about what is going on in my life, and I am just trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. But I will figure it out. I have my whole life to make who I want to be in the future a reality. And if it's who I want to be then, I'm going to start living with that confidence now. Why not? It's amazing how much power confidence can wield over our happiness. And with raw confidence, I don't feel like I need to dress or act any certain way to fulfill someone else's requirements for a sufficient life. I want happiness, not material things. I'd rather be happy with my family, friends, and who I am (including basic appearance) on a day to day basis than be happy with what I have or the possessions I could show off. Everyone should just stop every once in a while and reevaluate what they put weight on in their lives. Money and possessions? Or things of greater value?

Genuine

2011-07-18T23:01:00.000-07:00

I'm happy.
Simple, genuine happiness.
I smile and it doesn't feel forced.
Smiles come more naturally now,
Especially when I'm with him.

He never forces anything,
Which shows me he respects me.
I get the feeling he's real.
Really real.
And what we feel is real,
Even if just for now.

I'm not worried about the future.
If something is meant to be
It will be.
If life pulls us different directions,
We will be fine.

Not that I won't miss him.
He's an amazing person,
He treats me better than anyone has
In quite a long time,
And I have major feelings for the boy.
I will miss him.

But things will be okay.
We're honest and open with each other,
And things will be fine
As long as we keep level heads.

Note to self:
Keep a level head.
Don't react emotionally to things
That may be going on in your head.

He makes me feel good,
He doesn't play games,
He talks to me about what is going on
In his head about us.
What more could a girl hope for?

And I'm happy.
Genuinely happy.

Life,
Please stay this way for at least another month.
Love,
Camille

Life

2011-07-16T23:41:00.000-07:00

My life and the lives around me keep happening,
Faster and faster it seems.
Every single day I get lost in the details;
Details of what's happening now.
Details of what happened in the past.
Details of how the future may turn out.

I wouldn't give anything for what I have in my life.
My friends,
Family,
Interests.
I am able to be myself and never be embarrassed
Or ashamed.
I have affection,
Something that may grow.

I have positive energies filling my being.
Music.
Other arts.
And I know I am going to do what I love in my life.
I refuse to settle.
Some people may view it as being reckless right now,
But I am going to try things,
See what I like
And make that a huge part of my life.
I will be happy.

Maybe they'll see one day,
Once I'm modeling and more established.
Maybe one day they'll get it;
Why I can't fit into the normal box they all squeeze into.
Maybe they won't though...
And maybe I'll like making them all wonder.

Moments

2011-07-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

Here I go again
Here we go again

We will never know
What we could have known

No matter where this takes me
No matter what this takes of me

I can see the end
I can’t change the end

But I understand
I will understand

No matter where this takes me
No matter what this takes of me

It’s better than missing these moments with you
- Moments by Gardening, Not Architecture

She writes the words and music my soul would write if I were more musically inclined.
It's love.

I Want You

2011-07-13T10:52:00.000-07:00

I want you
I want you so bad, babe
I want you
I want you so bad
It's driving me mad
It's driving me mad

I love having one of my favorite songs of all time quoted to me.

Want

2011-07-12T20:20:00.001-07:00

Desire

2011-07-06T19:08:00.000-07:00

The first hint of desire of possession came out a few days ago. And it wasn't me wanting him either.
How bizarre.
I didn't see it coming at all.

It seems like he wants me to be more than his late night cuddles... Which I am okay with certainly. But in the beginning it seemed like he had everything all figured out and knew what he wanted and had his emotions on lock down. He ever had a little "I don't want to be using her" conversation and pulled seriously away for a week or so because he was so disconnected emotionally at the time. Or that's what I was assuming the cause was...

But he certainly doesn't want me to be his girlfriend. I mean, he's moving in November and I'll be gone for the greater portion of two months in August and September. Lord knows I adore being close to him but that time apart will be weird. Originally I think we were planning on having this be so simple we could walk separate ways without any second thoughts, but it's farther than that now. He has told me he'll miss me when I leave, that it'll be weird with me gone for so long. I know I'll miss him too. He seems to be working his way closer and closer to my heart... I'll have to monitor the development of this.

I am so full of thoughts and I want to keep writing. But I don't know how to transition to another topic smoothly right now. I'm feeling less than poetic. Maybe I'll come back to this again later.

I like this

2011-06-30T10:33:00.000-07:00

For some reason I've been feeling almost guilty about being so happy, about being so content in what I've found. Why would it be making me feel guilty though? Maybe it's that the world is in such a sad state that I just feel wrong having something make me so happy... But maybe not.
All I know is I think I'm done feeling bad about it. The world and so many of the people living in it are so sad, there needs to be more love and happiness around. Maybe it'll help relieve some of the pain and suffering. The world needs more of what he is being for me.

He's so good to me. He holds me close, makes me feel like I might be special. Special... Not special like I'm 'the one' or anything. Special like, I'm different to him. Special like he wants to spend time with me even though he has no obligation to. I'm not his fiancee or his girlfriend, I don't have any special sort of title. It makes it so I trust our time together more almost, because it is completely chosen. He calls me beautiful, gorgeous even sometimes. And being near him is just comforting.
Just saying, I like this.

The Six Tidbits

2011-06-27T21:45:00.000-07:00

Tonight at my final meeting as a daughter in Job's Daughters I filled in as Chaplin and Librarian. For my Librarian's report I decided to gather six of my favorite quotes, six quotes I remember when I'm down and try to live by.
This is Camille's six tidbits for life.

1. I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
- Marilyn Monroe

2. When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.
- John Lennon

3. Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.
- Shel Silverstein

4. Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, something you do, something you are, and something you give away.
- Robert Fulghum

5. If not me, who? And if not now, when?
- Mikhail Gorbachev

6. What you do, the way you think, it makes you beautiful.
- Scott Westerfield

Notes

2011-06-19T09:43:00.000-07:00

Camille this note is very

simple and short I love

you and I'm yours for as long

as you want me :)

- Love Travis

Thank you for making me realize how full of shit people can be, whether you care about them or not. Whether you love them or not. People lie, but I'm strong and I'll make it just fine.

I think he might be a little different anyways.

Somebody to love

2011-06-17T11:52:00.000-07:00

"Can anybody find me somebody to love..."

Maybe I'm happy, and it scares me a little.
Maybe I'm not put together, but I know I'm a beautiful mess.
Maybe I have too much faith in people, but I have to believe the best.
Maybe I'll just leave one day, but know I'll never forget all this.

It might be because the little things are finally adding up.
It might be because I'm happy as who I am nowadays.
It might be because in the end all we have is each other.
It might be because I need to start new, but this made me who I am.

I don't know what my future will bring. But I know I'm happy with this right now. Hearing someone say they care in one way or another and not feeling the compulsion to doubt them is amazing. Being close to someone, feeling their heart beat through their chest, it's real. It's nothing committed, but that doesn't take away the realness of being close. Maybe it will just be what it is until it isn't anymore. It could be this week, or a couple of months. Perhaps it'll be ongoing, when we're together we will be, and when one of us is gone we won't. It doesn't worry me right now, and the fact that it isn't worrying me almost worries me.

But it is what it is, and I love it.
But there is still a chance I might get things together someday.
But I will probably still get crushed every once in a while.
But maybe I'll just stay here, always.

In the mean time, I'll enjoy being close, having someone to lay beside.

"Everyday I try and I try and I try, but everybody wants to put me down; They say I'm going crazy...
Can anybody find me somebody to love?"

Home

2011-05-20T19:04:00.000-07:00

"I found myself today. Oh, I found myself and ran away..."

I guess sometimes I lose myself in it all. I lose myself in the tears and the internal battles, and most of all the stress. Want to know something world? I am scared, truly deep down terrified of meaning nothing to anyone. I am so afraid that if I passed on this very moment it wouldn't mean anything to anyone, and that I would just disappear never to be thought of again.
But I'm not worrying about that so much today.
It's the little things...
And I love the little things.
One day I'll go away from all of this, but for now I'm right where I belong.

Distressed

2011-05-11T19:47:00.000-07:00

I'm stressed out, nauseated, and feel like total shit. Self esteem? Yeah, it's gone right now.
Fuck all of this.

I hate people sometimes.
I can't stand careless people from my past.
But most of them are.

Take me or leave me

2011-04-27T19:10:00.000-07:00

Every single day
I walk down the street
I hear people say 'baby' so sweet
Ever since puberty,
Everybody stares at me
Boys - girls,
I can't help it baby
So be kind, and don't lose your mind
Just remember that I'm your baby

Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby or leave me
Take me or leave me

A tiger in a cage
Can never see the sun
This diva needs her stage
Baby, let's have fun.
You are the one I choose
Folks would kill to fill your shoes
You love the lime light too, now baby,
So be mine and don't waste my time cryin'
'Honey bear are you still my, my, my baby?'

Take me for what I am
Who I was meant to be
And if you give a damn
Take me baby or leave me

No way, can I be what I'm not
But hey, don't you want your girl hot?
Oh, don't fight, don't lose your head
'Cause every night who's in your bed?
Who?
Who's in your bed?

People aren't one flavor. Every single person is a variety pack, and you can't just pick the ones you want or like. There is good and bad to everyone and the key is finding someone who you love all aspects to. Maybe they have an annoying tic, but you find it endearing.
I know I'm a hard person to swallow sometimes. While yes, I am a very loving, caring, trusting person. I'm completely open and have my heart on my sleeve, I give second chances like candy to kids on Halloween. I always try to see the better side of things and I hardly ever hold a grudge against anyone no matter what. But I'm also stubborn as molasses sometimes. I feel strongly about certain things and if those lines get crossed I will tell you exactly what is on my mind. I'm honest to the point of brutality occasionally. I don't like fake people and I usually hardly hesitate before calling someone on their bullshit. It's been known to make people dislike me immensely. I also am pretty confident in who I am which makes others want to break me down. But I don't let them. I can't be anything other than what and who I am.
Take me baby, or leave me.

Question of the day

2011-04-25T13:10:00.001-07:00

Is it really that bad, that unreasonable to want to be loved?

Just a thought.

Bolded

2011-04-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

"What hurts the most, was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
Never knowing, what could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do"
- Cascada, What Hurts The Most

I'm okay.

You

2011-04-16T16:00:00.001-07:00

Two months ago today you texted me good bye. Six months ago today you stunned me with a rose and a question. The four months in between changed me.

Thank you.

Remember

2011-04-14T14:36:00.001-07:00

Feeling better

2011-04-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

I think because yesterday I hung out with Justin and fell into the past, today I decided to focus on the future. Anna and I have been talking. We've decided we're moving out within two ish years. Getting an apartment together in Seattle, or at least Shoreline. We're getting kittens. This summer we are going to California, and Folklife, and the beach, and Bumbershoot. And... I'm feeling really good right now. Really optimistic about the future. Tomorrow I'm going job hunting, and I am going to try my damnedest to get a job within the next three weeks. Also, in preparation for this summer, I'm going to work out daily starting today. I just finished up for today and I feel amazing. Endorphins are a friend of mine, and if I do a little bit every day it can make a big difference, I know that much.

Everything will be okay in the end. I have faith that with good people in my life, a positive outlook, and just a touch of luck I'll make it just fine.

Letter to the broken hearts.

2011-04-10T20:09:00.000-07:00

I've now typed out five beginnings to this post and then promptly deleted them. I don't know what I want to write about right now. I don't know how I'm feeling. I have a few thousand thoughts fluttering around in my mind, and sorting them out just seems impossible. Maybe a letter, a love letter to... Anyone who is down.

Broken hearts,
You are down, beaten and broken and bruised beyond belief. But do not give up, ever. Know when to walk away, yes. Know when enough is enough, yes. But never let go of hope. There is someone out there worth the time, and the struggle, and the tears and the pain. They're going to be amazing. They'll lift you to new heights, make you smile bigger smiles than you knew your face was capable of. You'll feel like a fool smiling like you will, but in you're eyes you will be nothing but the beautiful human being you are. And when you find it, I have to believe we just know. It might not be realized right away, but you will. And it'll knock you on your feet and take your breath away and you will never ever forget. And that single moment, the few times it happens in your life, will make all the rest of it worth while. I once had my breath taken away, time stopped for what could have been an eternity, and nothing else mattered but that single second in time. Once. And whenever I want to quit, whenever my faith in humanity is gone, I remember that moment. How everything was perfect... His smile, how he smelled, the way he looked into my eyes under the stars and our lips met for one brief moment. If moments like that exist in the world, the rest of it is worth enduring. We all clearly want to enjoy our whole life, but when things get rough do not discredit the moments. You are beautiful. You are strong. There is good in this world. You can make it through it all. Just... Believe. As hard as it can be, I always believe. And never forget, someone always loves you. Always.
Camille Ariel Rose

Two rants.

2011-04-07T18:16:00.000-07:00

What is it about having a penis that makes males think they're superior? I'm truly curious.
Maybe it's just me, but I am slightly appalled when I have a guy assuming that I'll have sex with him because... I don't know why he thought so. Because I owe it to him supposedly. How on earth would one get that debt? Sorry I wear low cut shirts and you like my eyes, I'll make it up to you by having sex with you? I think not. I don't owe you a damn thing for being myself, and you thinking you're so entitled is sickening. Get over yourself.

I know everyone says it a few hundred times, but I think I am done trying to get other people's approval. I naturally have huge, curly, poofy hair. For years I have either straightened it or pulled it into a ponytail or bun because I hated it. But, why do I try so hard? Whoever said having naturally poofy hair was a bad thing? And for years I have had the never ending battle with my body in the mirror. I'm not skinny; My collarbones don't stick out and you can't put your hands around my waist. I have curves. Real curves. And I'm done apologizing for it. I love my body, and I'm done worrying about if you do to. If you don't, fuck you. And if you bitch about it, get out of my life.
I want to look good for me, not someone else. I'm done putting in an hour of work to flatten my hair and paint my face up like some girls do. If I'm putting in time, I want to look how I want to look, not how you think I should look. If a guy notices me, and likes me when I look how I want to be, he's a keeper. I'm not going to change my appearance to find mister right, because if he's making me change... That mister right would be so wrong.

Museum of Idiots.

2011-04-07T13:55:00.000-07:00

They built this whole neighborhood
Out of wood, out of wood
I guess I'll still be around
When they burn, burn it down
I will be standing around when they burn it down
Here in the museum of idiots

Honey, I'm there when you need me
Please believe me, please believe me
I'll still be right where you left me
If you manage to forget me
Where we met is where you may forget
Here in the museum of idiots

If you and I had any brains
We wouldn't be in this place

Chop me up into pieces
If it pleases, if it pleases
And when the chopping is through
Every piece will say "I love you"
Every piece of me will say "I love you"
Here in the museum of idiots

Every piece of me will say "I love you, you, you"
Here in the museum of idiots

-They Might Be Giants

Phlog.

2011-04-06T15:08:00.001-07:00

http://phlog.net/camillearielrose

Mending.

2011-04-06T14:27:00.000-07:00

How long does it really take to mend a broken heart? I guess I've been through this before... It took me over a year to let go of Dom and Quinton, and I still haven't truly 100% let go of Cody. I guess it shouldn't surprise me at all. My heart on my sleeve, out ready for the taking. But it has caught me completely off guard. I feel like, like I'm just trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be after all of this. Travis has left a mark on me, changed me forever, changed the paths I'll take and the options I'll pick for the rest of my life. But I'm still the same old Camille I was before him, and in the beginning. Happy, relatively carefree, occasionally a sunshine person. He made me feel like I need to toughen my heart, but I bet I'll melt back into the good, old fashioned, happy, sappy Camille. One of these days maybe someone will sweep me off my feet, and actually be there to catch me as I go stumbling to the ground. Maybe.

Mid Morning thoughts.

2011-04-05T09:47:00.000-07:00

This afternoon I am going on a date. An actual, real, he pays for everything date. Is it weird I am slightly terrified? I know I'm probably going to have a good time, for all I know an amazing time. He really seems to have his shit in order. But I've never actually gone on a real date. Out to dinner, sure. Prom, did it. But just a date for no other reason than that he really wants to take me out, never. I guess I'm kind of worried that I won't live up to his expectations about what I'll be, but I can't sweat it. I am what I am, and I hope he can handle that.

On an unrelated note, I wish people were more compassionate.
And I have decided to do a picture a day on a phlog. Link will be posted later.

2011-03-23T09:58:00.000-07:00

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there." - Bob Marley

I'm doing okay today. Still stricken with sadness in realizing someone who I loved so much fights feeling anything, but I'm doing okay. I hope he starts to feel... It's not healthy to repress everything. I wish I could help him, but I know I can't. I know he would never let me try anymore. I know he thinks he has it all figured out, that no one knows how he's hurting. But he is.
Life goes on.
I'm getting over it, more and more every day.

Ignore this post.

2011-03-18T16:24:00.000-07:00

I don't know what I'm going to write. I have no idea how to start these anymore. I got so used to writing to someone, writing for someone, and writing about someone... It still feels odd to just write to write now. But anyways.

Honestly and truly, this is probably the most truly single I have been in years. I dated Travis for four months, before we dated we were talking and flirting for about a month, before we started talking I was with Brian for almost three months. And even before them, the two 'real' boyfriend's I've had, I was never as single as I always seemed to think. There was always Josh, and that flirtation with Nathan. I had a fling with Joey, and Drew, and Jeremy, and Seth. Taylor and Kris bickered about who could try to court me. I found out after the matter that Erik always sort of liked me. There was Kyle, and I guess I did officially date Ben for three weeks. I liked Sean, and tried to get something to work with him. And I had nights cuddling with Michael, James, and King. Brandon referred to me as 'the hot friend' when I wasn't around, and I did go on a coffee date with other Brandon. Even Ian, though he had a girlfriend, awkwardly would flirt with me at work. Plus the one time I ever made out and cuddled with friends knowingly. Quinton, Ben, Travis, Tony, and Nick.
I always thought I was so single, and so alone, but I had people all around me. Guys all around me. I feel like it makes me sound like such a floozy, such a tramp, but that was all over the course of four or five years. I was so young, and social, and just loved being around people, being close to people. I wasn't even doing anything remotely bad, just cuddling and kissing. And mostly at parties too.
Why am I even attempting to excuse it? It doesn't need to be excused. I was full of life and full of love and doing my own thing. Fuck anyone who would judge me for being who I was.
But back to my original thought, I always thought I was so alone, but I wasn't. I'm not now either, but I'm truly single right now. I'm not seeing anyone. I'm not flirting with anyone. I'm just being me, focusing on me, doing my own thing. I'm not stressing about finding someone, or even wanting someone. I'm just being. Travis showed me how bad it can be. How bad it gets when you overlook the fact that happiness is gone. How seriously it can break you when you put in extra affection to make up for what he's slacking on. I learned a lot from him, and while I am not under the delusion at all that I'll never let myself get hurt again, I do think I'll look at things a little differently in the future now.
Do I love the boy still? Yes. But it's weakening, and I am able to see the flaws my lovestruck eyes chose to ignore.

Travis.

2011-03-16T13:16:00.000-07:00

One month ago you left me. One month ago my phone chimed and through the preview window on my iPhone I knew it was the end. One month and one day ago all thoughts I had put into my future seemed to involve you somehow. But one month ago you changed it.
You implied you were 'cutting me free' so I could 'do my own thing' without worrying about you. What on earth does that mean? Did you think you were so insignificant in my life that you could just fade into black without any effect on me? That is bullshit and you knew it. You shattered me. Worse than that, you broke every promise you ever uttered. "I'm yours for as long as you want me." "You don't need to worry about me ever leaving you." "You're different, I can tell." And worst of all, "I love you."
I once thought you could have been 'it'. I was willing to work with you, to communicate with you, to open myself up and let you into my life unrestricted. But it was one sided, I see that now. As always, hindsight is 20/20, but living through it my emotions were intertwined in everything.
Maybe one day we'll be able to be friends again.
But I doubt it.
I put it into your hands, reach out to me when/if you ever want to. I'm anticipating silence until our paths cross down the road. It'll be an awkward meeting. Pleasantries will be exchanged, and that will be that.
Until then, don't forget about me. And maybe thinking about the way you put me through what you put me through will make you realize you might not be quite as selfless as you like to make it seem.

Happy days.

2010-06-18T20:44:00.000-07:00

I've been much happier lately. Things might just be going my way. I almost feel like saying things are going well is going to jinx it all however. I remain, as always, hesitantly optimistic. Last night was a good night in the end, though there was a handful of speed bumps to get there. Girls day turned into a fiasco of sorts, running around all over the area to try and find things, work things out. Ended up okay though in the end, or so I thought. I left for a few hours to go to my brother's bridging ceremony (which just reminded me how rediculus middle school really was), and when I got back there, the group had grown to Chelsea, Megan, Mike, DJ, and I, and things just felt off. Mike and I left to get me some pain pills for my neck and then got the call that Kyle, Mary, and Brian were all at my house needing directions. We picked up DJ and then headed there, combined and compiled, and began the trip back. Part way there I got a call from DJ that it was all off, something had happened, bad moods were had, and the whole night's plans of party and such were effectively canceled. We just met up at the destination and figured out other plans, ended up in Woodenville sitting around a fire all night with Brian, Mary, Kyle, Mike, and Chris. I was a-okay with how everything turned out. It was chill, social, warm, and outdoors. That's kindof how my life has been going lately, very go with the flow, very low key, and very happy even if things don't go quite according to plans. I love my life and the people in it so very much. Things are good.

Illness.

2010-04-25T14:08:00.000-07:00

I am so throughly sick of hypocrisy. Thinking about all these people I know and all the ways they are makes me feel so nauseated, and I am not exaggerating here.
As soon as I feel like I have a grip on everything in my life something throws it out of whack again. It might be what seems like nothing, what was meant to be helpful, what would normally be so tiny, microscopic even, but it sets me off balance again and makes me feel so uneasy.

Last night was a good night. I went ice skating with Mike, got invited to play Fugitive by Leon, but instead ended up with a group of five people who I had never met before, a good group of great people though, hung with Leon, Jeremy, and their friends, and in the end I crashed at Jeremy's place with him and Leon. Mike picked me up this morning and we went back to his place to watch the soccer game on TV. Unfortunately we lost zero to two. Then I got brought home. Talking on the way home triggered the above rant. And now I'm going to have to see the bitch during the pass. Today will be good though in the end, no matter what it takes.

In all seriousness.

2010-04-20T00:26:00.000-07:00

The last week has been hits of high and low. I strated coming down with something on last Monday or Tuesday, had to call in to work two days, went on a hike to the Ice Caves, went to Portland for the Night Owl Record Show, had someone anonymously rehash a mistake I made just under two years ago, and finally/again gained some confidence in my appearance. I'm on a good note right now and very much plan on staying here.
I have been working out more, attempting to eat healthier, and just overall working on my health and body. It's actually making a difference, one I can tell. And because of this I have decided to start a new endevor. I am going to, well, I kindof already am, look into Pin Up modeling. Photographers in the area, putting together a portfolio, etc. I have always loved the look, the fashion, the style of it, but I never had the confidence in myself to make any moves that direction. I am gaining that confidence. Obviously it would just be a side hobby, but why not give it a shot? It would be something fun, something new, something frisky, and something that would be... Unexpected I think. A lot of people wouldn't expect that sort of thing from me. I am going to seriously give it a shot.

Chronos

2010-04-06T21:56:00.000-07:00

"Love tears me up like a demon.
Opens the wounds and then fills them with lead,
And I'm having some trouble just breathing.
If we werent such good friends I think that I'd hate you.
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead."
Fuck Was I by Jenny Owen Youngs. What a lovely song, no joke or pun or anything. I adore that song an awful lot. I view it as a love song no doubt, but as a love song for a hopeless, onesided, painful love. I've been in that place before. It's nice to be able to sing a song at the top of my lungs that so wonderfully encompases my relationships.
Last night I got a new camera. Finally, after my other one got stolen a year and a half ago, I now have a new love. I can finally pick up this wonderful hobby of mine, maybe take it somewhere. It makes expressing myself in some creative form possible, and I love it so very much. In two days I am going to Seattle with one of my friends and Chronos will definately be coming with and capturing moments of time, freezing them in a single frame snapshot forever.

No names.

2010-03-28T20:59:00.000-07:00

The Call by Regina Spektor. What a beautiful song. The first time I ever heard it was when it was featured at the end of the Chronicles of Narnia : Prince Caspian and it moved me to tears then. Occasionally it still does. So strong and real, and so... Just simple and beautiful. It's the story of life. I love it so.

Four nights ago I had a dream. Two nights ago that dream happened again. And that stupid dream hashed up feelings I thought I had moved beyond. Apparently I haven't moved beyond them though, unfortunately. Though, being completely honest with myself I don't think I ever had completely moved on. The feeling were just burried, and I was lying to myself instead of dealing with things. Once upon a time things were simple, but they just... Aren't anymore. Nothing is simple anymore. Everything has a back story, everyone has a history, everything is intertwined, and everyone is already wounded and hesistant and on guard and scared. Even when you're completely honest people wonder what your alternative motives are. Sometimes I just want to roll back the clock and take in the simple times, but it's not possible. And it's not really what I would want anyways. I just wish he would talk to me. Nothing else, nothing shifty, not me gunning for his heart, nothing of that sort. I just want to talk to him. He was my best friend for so many years, he was my rock and my other half and my constant, and we are not on bad terms now necessarily, but we're hardly friends. We're more simple acquaintances. It breaks my heart in a way, the heart which I've come to realize he will always have a hold on. In one way or another. Dear... Whoever, just help me stay strong. I haven't put my life on hold for him, never have and please never let me do that. Let me keep myself, even if I'm having emotionally slippery days. I know I will be okay.

Maybe a habit in the making?

2010-03-21T20:12:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm listening to Orange Colored Sky. What an amazing song, thank you Jackson Jazz Choir for turning me onto it. And Sarah did a completely amazing job singing it at the concert, if I may say so myself. Now I'm considering it for my solo for Jobie Weekend next year.
Today I did the Big Climb in Seattle with Nikko and Sean. I conquered the Columbia Tower. Fuck yeah! And (as of right now at least) I'm not even feeling that bad. I do realize however that I might be aching insane amounts tomorrow. I, however, do not care in the slightest. It was an amazing view at the top, and totally and completely worth it. Next year I will definately be training for it though. And I have also decided to start running and biking and swimming more, getting into better shape in general and training so I can do a sprint distance triathlon. I'm now setting goals that are totally reachable, and will help me along with my other goals at the same time. Go me?

Once again.

2010-03-18T23:05:00.000-07:00

I'm starting this post with my music of choice right now. I'm listening to Almost Alice, the soundtrack to Alice in Wonderland. This soundtrack is so wonderful. Lots of good artists, lots of well done songs, and all of them relating to the story or it's themes without being all stupid, crazy, over the top about it.

This last week has been a little bit of swinging. I was in a wonderful place until Monday. A gorgous day spent inside watching hours of movies and then a bit of heart wretching by the guy I liked. But after Tuesday I got over it. I spent Tuesday with my family, and then hung with a few friends (and many of their friends) that night. Wednesday was a delightful lazy day, and then today was more time spent helping the family and then a choir concert. It was the joint one with the middle schools and high school, and I got to support my brother on top of seeing a handful of my friends. Mainly Anna. God, I think I didn't realize how much I missed that girl until I saw her smile beaming down and her frantic waving from the stage when I showed up. She is seriously the ying to my yang or something along those lines. I'm now going to make a point of talking to her more and hanging out with her more. It was also awesome to see Erik. He's such a bundle of sunshine and I really have missed him a ton too.
Last night I was talking to Alex online, and it was really a wonderful conversation. Even though Cody is kindof a douchebag and has apparently decided to remove himself from my life for a while, I'm glad I was close to Cody when I was. If not for me and Cody being close in elementary school days I wouldn't have developed the friendship I have with Alex, and I honestly think Alex is one who will last. We might not talk very often, and we might hardly ever hang out, but I know that if it came down to it he would be there for me through thick and thin. He told me he thinks of me like a sister. It was just really a wonderful surprise to find out I have more friends, wonderful friends, than I realized.

Truthfully.

2010-03-12T19:55:00.000-08:00

Truthfully by Lisa Loeb is a wonderful song, and her whole Firecracker album is fantastic in fact. I'm sitting here listening to it and just thinking to myself, "I really like this music. It's a little bit unfortunate that so few people seem to know of her and her music."
Anyways though, today was a good day, as was yesterday and the day before that. And, fuck it, this whole week since I got home from Jobie Weekend has been pretty damn good. Tuesday I went and saw Dear John with Darcy, which I really enjoyed. It was a sweet movie and spending time with Darcy was really nice. She's always been a sweet girl who has had to deal with way too much shit, and we really got pretty close through the times we saw each other at masonic family events and through texting and Facebook. Chilling with her in person and outside of the little bubble of Jobies was a nice and much needed change. On Monday I hung out at the apartment with Nathan, Dash, and Kara. Also there was Dash's coworker (who's name I can't remember for the life of me), Boldi, and Brandon. I was completely caught off guard to see Boldi and Brandon there, so it was a nice little surprise. I worked on Wednesday, which was painfully slow. But my cart station was right next to Debbie (who is insanely loud and peppy) so we spent the greater portion of the day making each other laugh. What with her random comments and faces and my random dance moves it turned out to be a fairly entertaining day. And that day I also asked Brandon if he'd want to get coffee sometime. He said yes, picked a day and time, and that was that. A very nice little pep for my step. Thursday was a pretty low key day. I went and did Costco shopping with my dad when he got home from work and I deposited my check from work, and then I went and visited Mike in the hospital. He was clearly down, but after I left he said that me coming had helped cheer him up some. And then this morning I woke up early (for me at least), made myself cute, and walked down to the Starbucks to meet Brandon for coffee. We talked for, around an hour, maybe just short of an hour, and then he gave me a ride home. Did the rest of the grocery shopping with my family when my dad got home from work, and then proceded to be lazy and lounge around the house the rest of the day. It's been nice though. A lazy day every once in a while can be good.

Not happening.

2010-02-28T22:40:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it's been shown once again that I don't keep a blog. I'm not a blog kind of girl I guess. But random entries distanced very far apart might happen...

Right now Mike is in the hospital, some varient on pneumonia with maybe MRSA or staph. Really gross. And though he's one of my closest friends I'm thinking I probably won't go visit him just because my immune system has been shit lately and I really can't afford to get any kind of illness.
Yesterday I was talking to Andrew from California on the phone, chatting about random things, when he brought up what tution for his school is going to be next year for out of state students. He started going on and on about how he wished I would go there, and why couldn't I get in, and blah blah blah. I reminded him I haven't finished my diploma yet, so I couldn't even apply yet even if I wanted to or could afford it. Which is when he dove headfirst into the 'the best thing you can do for your future is get your GED or high school diploma and why haven't you done that and get back into school and etc.' lecture. I told him to please stop. To please cut it out. That I've heard it all before. And he didn't listen, so I snapped. And in the end said, "I am done talking to you right now Andrew. Good bye." Just shortly ago he called me, wanted to talk about it all. Said I overreacted, which I probably did to a point, but still. He didn't even seem to understand where I was coming from. He started in with all of the what if's again. I had a mini-snap again. Reminded him that the world he grew up in, the world he lives in, is not like the world I live in. Not even close. He considers himself 'middle class'. Well, he may be upper middle class. But that would make me very low middle class to the high end of lower class. He grew up in LA, a very nice house, never needed to worry about finances at all, his parent's are paying for his schooling and his rooming there. And I have been aware since I was eleven or twelve that, while we're not poor we don't have money to waste at all. I'm working, doing what I can to save up for school, since I am paying for all of it myself. He doesn't have a clue where I am coming from. Just as I have very little idea where he is. But him lecturing me on things that I'm not even capable of doing right now due to lack of funds is bullshit and pisses me off. And then when he went into the what if game... It made me think and realize that if we were in better proximaty in the real world, if he was here or I were there, we wouldn't be friends. Maybe occasionally go to the same party, but not friends. Him and his world, it just gets so old sometimes.

Don't know why...

2010-02-05T23:19:00.000-08:00

I'm completely breaking my normal behavior tonight, but I guess it's not necessarily a bad thing. Even though I've always been a girl who Facebook was enough for, I have decided tonight to sign up for Twitter and get this blog thing going. I had it set up before, but never ever used it. So, take two!

Tonight I hung out with Mike. We got coffee, went to Fred Meyers where I ran into two friends from around a year and a half or two years ago, and then went to Sporty's to watch the Silvertips hockey game. The quality, however, sucked, so we left after the first two periods. Swung by his parent's house, and home I now sit. Not too interesting.