Return

It's been a week since I returned to my life from California. Something happened down there, I swear it. I'm viewing things through different eyes and something has changed in my core. In the past (even recent past) I had to force myself to focus on the good, to find some beauty in everything. But now I see beauty everywhere I look and in everyone I interact with. The faces I gaze upon are more lovely, the songs I hear are more harmonious, and every smile or laugh around me makes me do the same.
I came home to heartache, news that Paul wasn't who I though he was this whole time. News he had moved forward in his relationships without bothering to tell me at all. I really wasn't that upset by it though. He was a fool in the end and I move on without much loss.
I have an absurd amount to write about right now, and it's not flowing smoothly like I wish it would. I pause for now. More will come later.

Scenery

Well this is odd, sitting at a computer in a library in Cali at a school I don't go to and a place I've never been before. Usually I'm writing from my desk at home in Washington, all comfy and cozy and in my slice of this world. But today I write from Cal Poly. This is really what I've needed after the last stressful week, even though now thinking about it most of the stress came from the fact that I was leaving for this trip... Still. So much silence from someone you care about so deeply fucking sucks. It'll be odd to see how things are when I get back. If he is legitimately out of my life I'll probably be significantly upset, however I know I'll be fine. I'll find someone else, and I am not doomed to wander the face of this planet alone for all eternity.
I am so glad things aren't weird, being here and all. Andrew and I have talked for over two years now, crazy as that is to think about, and I think that's what makes it so easy. We seriously interact exactly like we do on Skype or on the phone, only there is nothing in between us. I can tell it catches him off guard too, and I know being around me for real is weird for him. Sometimes when he looks at me I can tell he is freaking out. Especially when I smile. He freaks out. I was mildly concerned coming down that it would be odd, or uncomfortable, or just downright strange actually physically being around each other, but it's not. Thank goodness for that.

That's all folks.

Sort Of

Baby you've got the sort of hands to rip me apart
And baby you've got the sort of face to start this old heart
But your eyes are warning me this early morning
That my love's too big for you my love

Baby you've got the sort of laugh that waters me
And makes me grow tall and strong and proud and flattens me
I find you stunning, but you are running me down
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Baby you've got the sort of eyes that tell me tales
That your sort of mouth just will not say, the truth impales
That you don't need me, but you won't leave me
My love's too big for you my love
My love's too big for you my love

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

Tell me what to do to take away the you?

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no.
And if I was stronger then I will leave this show
And if I was stronger then I would up and go
But here I am and here we go again

- Ingrid Michaelson

As it should

Faith

In the last three days, I have thought about blogging many times. I considered topics, ways to approach them, posting pictures, and I have sat down and started to type only to hit Ctrl+A and delete it all. Once it was because I didn't know how to say what I wanted to say... Many times because I simply couldn't figure out what I wanted to say at all. A time or two because I didn't want to say it where someone else might see it, and just once because it felt so foolish to write the words in the first place that publishing them online felt like it bordered on insanity. But a few thoughts have lingered now, trickled down into this entry I suppose.
Sometimes it feels like I must be following a circular path in my life, because the same things happen most every time. Take, for example, my relationship situation. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it, we don't fight, and when we're together just hanging the two of us it's great. However, my evil little mind has decided to set me on edge and make me paranoid and unsure. Up until now I have had no problem just having faith in him and in whatever it is we have going on, but now I am so concerned about what's going on in his mind. He's been off his usual pace the last two weeks because of stress I'd safely say, and it's effecting everything. I know that much is true. But my paranoia is set on high nonetheless. What I'm trying to do now is get back into the state of mind I was in a month ago, when I was blissfully happy and carefree when it came to him. I do believe it is working too. Whether it works or not though, I'm not the only person in this equation and I suppose I should just relax and stay positive and have faith in him. He hasn't done me wrong yet.

Spark

Before we all burn, there are a few things I'd like to say.

Cody: I have very few words left for you. In letters I've written to you, some sent and some still sitting in my high school notebook, I have tried to understand what exactly the relationship with us is. That talk scares you away. All I have to say anymore is that I will never hate you, you will always be my one that got away and my elementary sweet-heart. I hope life treats you well.

Travis: You're such a fool. I fell for you hard, and I don't regret a thing about that if only because I have learned. I learned that I should never be settling for someone who doesn't spark something within me. When we came to our crashing end, I experienced many emotions deeply and it opened my eyes and helped me choose who I would become for the future. You broke me in such a way that I was able to pick everything up and mosaic myself into a beautiful, confident, loving being. However you walked out of our relationship the same way you walked into it. You're full of false confidence and though you act like you have everything together in your life and behave as though nothing ever gets you down or stresses you out, I know it's a facade. You are a scared little boy inside, looking for approval no one in your life will be able to provide you with. When our paths cross in the future I hope that seeing me crushes you.

Sean: Damn is your sense of timing off boy. About two years behind on that one in fact. I liked you so much, wanted to give it a shot with you, and you for some reason didn't want to. Not only did you politely decline, you then started talking mad shit about me to all of our friends, telling them I was desperately obsessed with you and how I was saving my virginity for you and all these loads of endless, rootless bullshit. And I'm not really friends with any of those people anymore, no help from you and the drama you stirred up. Last night, however, it seems you decided to take matters into your own hands. You worked up the courage and you texted me like a real man, asking if I was alright with you asking me an awkward question. Like I would really decline... And then I had to tell you I am otherwise occupied and not available for pathetic relationship attempts. Have you seriously just recently been thinking about the way you treated me? How you were so two-faced? Have you just recently been realizing that you pretty brutally told me no, but I'm really not bad. Never have been dear. But now that I'm a few pounds down, more radiant in the way I live my life, and more confident I catch your eye and linger on your mind? Good. I'm glad.

Exhausting

Moments like this it's exhausting. Moments like this I get annoyed and crushed, and just simply hurt.
Blows right?

Up to speed

I've been very all over the place recently, but in a very positive way I think. I'm having a blast with my life, with my friends. I know I'm not making much progress right now... But I'm not freaking out about it. I'm actually pretty sure I'm truly deeply okay with it.
The family has been good. I've been hanging out with Clay a lot, and dad being able to go out to auctions and sell on EBay has helped raise spirits. I'm not working for the next few weeks, but I'll be job hunting actively once I'm back from California in September.
I'm really happy with my relationship situation. That's all there is to say about that.
My friends are amazing and I know they are what keeps me from losing my mind sometimes. Hanging with them is usually the best part of my day.
Other than that, I've been coloring, doing sudoku, listening to crazy amounts of music, writing, meditating, and biking. I love being able to jump on Clay's bike and go for a ride out on a loop in the neighborhoods whenever I want to. It feels so good to be active like that, and I hope for that to become a regular thing for me.
I keep thinking of new tattoo ideas... Things I'd like to get maybe someday somewhere. My Grandmother would kill me if she knew the number of tattoo's I'm currently desiring. It makes me giggle a little bit.
That is all for now. There is a high chance I'll post again later.