Value

Today has been a very good day. I don't know why, I don't what what changed, I can't put my finger on the moment it started happening, but I am changing for the better. It's been happening for a while, that much is clear, I'm not at the beginning of this path anymore.
Honestly, I'm just done trying to be anything other than what I am. I am a beautiful, young, vivacious, social being. I am overflowing with love, passionate about what is going on in my life, and I am just trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. But I will figure it out. I have my whole life to make who I want to be in the future a reality. And if it's who I want to be then, I'm going to start living with that confidence now. Why not? It's amazing how much power confidence can wield over our happiness. And with raw confidence, I don't feel like I need to dress or act any certain way to fulfill someone else's requirements for a sufficient life. I want happiness, not material things. I'd rather be happy with my family, friends, and who I am (including basic appearance) on a day to day basis than be happy with what I have or the possessions I could show off. Everyone should just stop every once in a while and reevaluate what they put weight on in their lives. Money and possessions? Or things of greater value?

Genuine

I'm happy.
Simple, genuine happiness.
I smile and it doesn't feel forced.
Smiles come more naturally now,
Especially when I'm with him.

He never forces anything,
Which shows me he respects me.
I get the feeling he's real.
Really real.
And what we feel is real,
Even if just for now.

I'm not worried about the future.
If something is meant to be
It will be.
If life pulls us different directions,
We will be fine.

Not that I won't miss him.
He's an amazing person,
He treats me better than anyone has
In quite a long time,
And I have major feelings for the boy.
I will miss him.

But things will be okay.
We're honest and open with each other,
And things will be fine
As long as we keep level heads.

Note to self:
Keep a level head.
Don't react emotionally to things
That may be going on in your head.

He makes me feel good,
He doesn't play games,
He talks to me about what is going on
In his head about us.
What more could a girl hope for?

And I'm happy.
Genuinely happy.

Life,
Please stay this way for at least another month.
Love,
Camille

Life

My life and the lives around me keep happening,
Faster and faster it seems.
Every single day I get lost in the details;
Details of what's happening now.
Details of what happened in the past.
Details of how the future may turn out.

I wouldn't give anything for what I have in my life.
My friends,
Family,
Interests.
I am able to be myself and never be embarrassed
Or ashamed.
I have affection,
Something that may grow.

I have positive energies filling my being.
Music.
Other arts.
And I know I am going to do what I love in my life.
I refuse to settle.
Some people may view it as being reckless right now,
But I am going to try things,
See what I like
And make that a huge part of my life.
I will be happy.

Maybe they'll see one day,
Once I'm modeling and more established.
Maybe one day they'll get it;
Why I can't fit into the normal box they all squeeze into.
Maybe they won't though...
And maybe I'll like making them all wonder.

Moments

Here I go again
Here we go again

We will never know
What we could have known

No matter where this takes me
No matter what this takes of me

I can see the end
I can’t change the end

But I understand
I will understand

No matter where this takes me
No matter what this takes of me

It’s better than missing these moments with you
- Moments by Gardening, Not Architecture




She writes the words and music my soul would write if I were more musically inclined.
It's love.

I Want You

I want you
I want you so bad, babe
I want you
I want you so bad
It's driving me mad
It's driving me mad


I love having one of my favorite songs of all time quoted to me.

Want

Desire

The first hint of desire of possession came out a few days ago. And it wasn't me wanting him either.
How bizarre.
I didn't see it coming at all.

It seems like he wants me to be more than his late night cuddles... Which I am okay with certainly. But in the beginning it seemed like he had everything all figured out and knew what he wanted and had his emotions on lock down. He ever had a little "I don't want to be using her" conversation and pulled seriously away for a week or so because he was so disconnected emotionally at the time. Or that's what I was assuming the cause was...

But he certainly doesn't want me to be his girlfriend. I mean, he's moving in November and I'll be gone for the greater portion of two months in August and September. Lord knows I adore being close to him but that time apart will be weird. Originally I think we were planning on having this be so simple we could walk separate ways without any second thoughts, but it's farther than that now. He has told me he'll miss me when I leave, that it'll be weird with me gone for so long. I know I'll miss him too. He seems to be working his way closer and closer to my heart... I'll have to monitor the development of this.



I am so full of thoughts and I want to keep writing. But I don't know how to transition to another topic smoothly right now. I'm feeling less than poetic. Maybe I'll come back to this again later.