"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there." - Bob Marley
I'm doing okay today. Still stricken with sadness in realizing someone who I loved so much fights feeling anything, but I'm doing okay. I hope he starts to feel... It's not healthy to repress everything. I wish I could help him, but I know I can't. I know he would never let me try anymore. I know he thinks he has it all figured out, that no one knows how he's hurting. But he is.
Life goes on.
I'm getting over it, more and more every day.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Ignore this post.
I don't know what I'm going to write. I have no idea how to start these anymore. I got so used to writing to someone, writing for someone, and writing about someone... It still feels odd to just write to write now. But anyways.
Honestly and truly, this is probably the most truly single I have been in years. I dated Travis for four months, before we dated we were talking and flirting for about a month, before we started talking I was with Brian for almost three months. And even before them, the two 'real' boyfriend's I've had, I was never as single as I always seemed to think. There was always Josh, and that flirtation with Nathan. I had a fling with Joey, and Drew, and Jeremy, and Seth. Taylor and Kris bickered about who could try to court me. I found out after the matter that Erik always sort of liked me. There was Kyle, and I guess I did officially date Ben for three weeks. I liked Sean, and tried to get something to work with him. And I had nights cuddling with Michael, James, and King. Brandon referred to me as 'the hot friend' when I wasn't around, and I did go on a coffee date with other Brandon. Even Ian, though he had a girlfriend, awkwardly would flirt with me at work. Plus the one time I ever made out and cuddled with friends knowingly. Quinton, Ben, Travis, Tony, and Nick.
I always thought I was so single, and so alone, but I had people all around me. Guys all around me. I feel like it makes me sound like such a floozy, such a tramp, but that was all over the course of four or five years. I was so young, and social, and just loved being around people, being close to people. I wasn't even doing anything remotely bad, just cuddling and kissing. And mostly at parties too.
Why am I even attempting to excuse it? It doesn't need to be excused. I was full of life and full of love and doing my own thing. Fuck anyone who would judge me for being who I was.
But back to my original thought, I always thought I was so alone, but I wasn't. I'm not now either, but I'm truly single right now. I'm not seeing anyone. I'm not flirting with anyone. I'm just being me, focusing on me, doing my own thing. I'm not stressing about finding someone, or even wanting someone. I'm just being. Travis showed me how bad it can be. How bad it gets when you overlook the fact that happiness is gone. How seriously it can break you when you put in extra affection to make up for what he's slacking on. I learned a lot from him, and while I am not under the delusion at all that I'll never let myself get hurt again, I do think I'll look at things a little differently in the future now.
Do I love the boy still? Yes. But it's weakening, and I am able to see the flaws my lovestruck eyes chose to ignore.
Honestly and truly, this is probably the most truly single I have been in years. I dated Travis for four months, before we dated we were talking and flirting for about a month, before we started talking I was with Brian for almost three months. And even before them, the two 'real' boyfriend's I've had, I was never as single as I always seemed to think. There was always Josh, and that flirtation with Nathan. I had a fling with Joey, and Drew, and Jeremy, and Seth. Taylor and Kris bickered about who could try to court me. I found out after the matter that Erik always sort of liked me. There was Kyle, and I guess I did officially date Ben for three weeks. I liked Sean, and tried to get something to work with him. And I had nights cuddling with Michael, James, and King. Brandon referred to me as 'the hot friend' when I wasn't around, and I did go on a coffee date with other Brandon. Even Ian, though he had a girlfriend, awkwardly would flirt with me at work. Plus the one time I ever made out and cuddled with friends knowingly. Quinton, Ben, Travis, Tony, and Nick.
I always thought I was so single, and so alone, but I had people all around me. Guys all around me. I feel like it makes me sound like such a floozy, such a tramp, but that was all over the course of four or five years. I was so young, and social, and just loved being around people, being close to people. I wasn't even doing anything remotely bad, just cuddling and kissing. And mostly at parties too.
Why am I even attempting to excuse it? It doesn't need to be excused. I was full of life and full of love and doing my own thing. Fuck anyone who would judge me for being who I was.
But back to my original thought, I always thought I was so alone, but I wasn't. I'm not now either, but I'm truly single right now. I'm not seeing anyone. I'm not flirting with anyone. I'm just being me, focusing on me, doing my own thing. I'm not stressing about finding someone, or even wanting someone. I'm just being. Travis showed me how bad it can be. How bad it gets when you overlook the fact that happiness is gone. How seriously it can break you when you put in extra affection to make up for what he's slacking on. I learned a lot from him, and while I am not under the delusion at all that I'll never let myself get hurt again, I do think I'll look at things a little differently in the future now.
Do I love the boy still? Yes. But it's weakening, and I am able to see the flaws my lovestruck eyes chose to ignore.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Travis.
One month ago you left me. One month ago my phone chimed and through the preview window on my iPhone I knew it was the end. One month and one day ago all thoughts I had put into my future seemed to involve you somehow. But one month ago you changed it.
You implied you were 'cutting me free' so I could 'do my own thing' without worrying about you. What on earth does that mean? Did you think you were so insignificant in my life that you could just fade into black without any effect on me? That is bullshit and you knew it. You shattered me. Worse than that, you broke every promise you ever uttered. "I'm yours for as long as you want me." "You don't need to worry about me ever leaving you." "You're different, I can tell." And worst of all, "I love you."
I once thought you could have been 'it'. I was willing to work with you, to communicate with you, to open myself up and let you into my life unrestricted. But it was one sided, I see that now. As always, hindsight is 20/20, but living through it my emotions were intertwined in everything.
Maybe one day we'll be able to be friends again.
But I doubt it.
I put it into your hands, reach out to me when/if you ever want to. I'm anticipating silence until our paths cross down the road. It'll be an awkward meeting. Pleasantries will be exchanged, and that will be that.
Until then, don't forget about me. And maybe thinking about the way you put me through what you put me through will make you realize you might not be quite as selfless as you like to make it seem.
You implied you were 'cutting me free' so I could 'do my own thing' without worrying about you. What on earth does that mean? Did you think you were so insignificant in my life that you could just fade into black without any effect on me? That is bullshit and you knew it. You shattered me. Worse than that, you broke every promise you ever uttered. "I'm yours for as long as you want me." "You don't need to worry about me ever leaving you." "You're different, I can tell." And worst of all, "I love you."
I once thought you could have been 'it'. I was willing to work with you, to communicate with you, to open myself up and let you into my life unrestricted. But it was one sided, I see that now. As always, hindsight is 20/20, but living through it my emotions were intertwined in everything.
Maybe one day we'll be able to be friends again.
But I doubt it.
I put it into your hands, reach out to me when/if you ever want to. I'm anticipating silence until our paths cross down the road. It'll be an awkward meeting. Pleasantries will be exchanged, and that will be that.
Until then, don't forget about me. And maybe thinking about the way you put me through what you put me through will make you realize you might not be quite as selfless as you like to make it seem.
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