Illness.

I am so throughly sick of hypocrisy. Thinking about all these people I know and all the ways they are makes me feel so nauseated, and I am not exaggerating here.
As soon as I feel like I have a grip on everything in my life something throws it out of whack again. It might be what seems like nothing, what was meant to be helpful, what would normally be so tiny, microscopic even, but it sets me off balance again and makes me feel so uneasy.

Last night was a good night. I went ice skating with Mike, got invited to play Fugitive by Leon, but instead ended up with a group of five people who I had never met before, a good group of great people though, hung with Leon, Jeremy, and their friends, and in the end I crashed at Jeremy's place with him and Leon. Mike picked me up this morning and we went back to his place to watch the soccer game on TV. Unfortunately we lost zero to two. Then I got brought home. Talking on the way home triggered the above rant. And now I'm going to have to see the bitch during the pass. Today will be good though in the end, no matter what it takes.

In all seriousness.

The last week has been hits of high and low. I strated coming down with something on last Monday or Tuesday, had to call in to work two days, went on a hike to the Ice Caves, went to Portland for the Night Owl Record Show, had someone anonymously rehash a mistake I made just under two years ago, and finally/again gained some confidence in my appearance. I'm on a good note right now and very much plan on staying here.
I have been working out more, attempting to eat healthier, and just overall working on my health and body. It's actually making a difference, one I can tell. And because of this I have decided to start a new endevor. I am going to, well, I kindof already am, look into Pin Up modeling. Photographers in the area, putting together a portfolio, etc. I have always loved the look, the fashion, the style of it, but I never had the confidence in myself to make any moves that direction. I am gaining that confidence. Obviously it would just be a side hobby, but why not give it a shot? It would be something fun, something new, something frisky, and something that would be... Unexpected I think. A lot of people wouldn't expect that sort of thing from me. I am going to seriously give it a shot.

Chronos

"Love tears me up like a demon.
Opens the wounds and then fills them with lead,
And I'm having some trouble just breathing.
If we werent such good friends I think that I'd hate you.
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead."
Fuck Was I by Jenny Owen Youngs. What a lovely song, no joke or pun or anything. I adore that song an awful lot. I view it as a love song no doubt, but as a love song for a hopeless, onesided, painful love. I've been in that place before. It's nice to be able to sing a song at the top of my lungs that so wonderfully encompases my relationships.
Last night I got a new camera. Finally, after my other one got stolen a year and a half ago, I now have a new love. I can finally pick up this wonderful hobby of mine, maybe take it somewhere. It makes expressing myself in some creative form possible, and I love it so very much. In two days I am going to Seattle with one of my friends and Chronos will definately be coming with and capturing moments of time, freezing them in a single frame snapshot forever.